"I guess I always knew it. Is it too clichéd if I say I always felt different? It’s true, though. I did. But it doesn’t matter. It’s not like I could ever tell anyone. I couldn’t tell my parents. They’re really Leave It To Beaver when it comes to that type of stuff, you know. The only thing my Dad wants from me is to marry a nice guy that can support me. All my Mom wants is for me to be less miserable than her. Well..(beat)..what if those two things can’t go together for me? What if I’m stuck here, watching everyone around me find their happiness and mine’s just…not meant to be found. I can’t be a lesbian - I mean, I’m not a lesbian. I want you to know that. And normally I can make myself believe that, too. Until I met Gina. It wasn’t an elementary school crush when I met her. It was my first day of college and I was nervous. Not the cool, excited nervous that you imagine having with Death Cab for Cutie playing in the background as you walk across the quad, either. No. The terrifying, I think I’m going to have explosive diarrhea nervous. I walked into my dorm and Gina was there, unpacking her clothes. She gave me that perfect smile of hers, and that was it. That was all it took. Once she started getting into theater, I followed right behind her. Any excuse to get closer. Who knew I’d end up loving the place? Four years later, and now we’re friends. Best friends. Just friends. Because she’s straight. She’s…normal. She’s everything I was supposed to be. Can I ask you something…? Why me?! What did I do for this to happen - that everything is going to be harder for me now? Why can’t I wake up fantasizing about Ryan Gosling like every other girl I know? All I’ve ever wanted was to be normal, to blend in. Well – how the hell am I supposed to do that when I’m living with this secret that could destroy me, destroy everything? And you know the worst part? I’m not angry. I’m really not. I just feel…guilty. I feel like this is my fault. It’s my fault that my Dad will never walk me down the aisle. It’s my fault that I can’t give my parents a family postcard that they’ll be proud of one day. No matter what else I do, no matter what else I accomplish or push through. If I tell them – if I tell anyone, it won’t matter. My degrees, my hard work, nothing will matter. I’ll never be able to love them enough to fix this. I’ll always be Emily. The lesbian. The daughter that wasn’t enough. Always."Another writing site that I quite like to read when I have spare time is She Writes Pages... and Since She Left. I like the idea of having a picture prompt, and I'm thinking about starting either a segment on this blog or a separate community blog where people can write short pieces. If anyone else is interested, let me know in an email! :)
<3 Linda
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